Learning from Failure
From culpability to responsibility.
Bourgeois taboo or entrepreneurial mantra, failure is difficult to deal with. Fortunately, or not though, all of us have many opportunities to improve on how we respond to it.
The sentiment to have not accomplished our goal, feel disappointment towards our expectations, or shame, makes failure an emotional situation. Indeed, failure feels like our most intimate life goals have been derailed, it makes us question our very sense of self whilst also triggering our ego. Beyond this ego bruise sits real pain, from deep seated desires struggling to break free to our muted voices looking for an echo.
Still, it is up to us to decide how we respond when pushed to react. Getting a haircut or venting to loved ones, although often cathartic and soothing, is not enough. Instead, one needs to reflect on the root causes of our failure.
Failure feels like an abrupt reassessment of what we are capable of under certain circumstances. Hence, wondering why we fail is a natural question. Was it a matter of preparation and planning, lack of knowledge or skills, wrong timing, or poor choice of company? Potential explanations are plenty and investigating them will help ensure we turn a challenging moment into a learning opportunity.
To be able to do this efficiently, one needs to feel safe, and connect with constructive people. As failure “puts us in our place”, it invites others to position themselves in response to our situation. It is for us to choose who we listen to.
However, when shaken, it is challenging to avoid wallowing in self-pity, giving in to blame, or filtering tough love. Similarly, when in need for validation, it takes more effort to keep manipulative individuals at bay and focus on those who know how to be present without being intrusive or self-serving.
« Beyond all that, how can we give meaning to failure? », asked the Mouse.
Failure is first and foremost a perception, and as such needs to be handled with care. It is too tempting to rush to the next endeavour, claiming that « what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger », or numb ourselves all the way to parallel realities.
When meaning doesn’t unfold as intended, then our dreaming inner child is left wounded. Even when “it is not our first rodeo”, and we would like to claim failure as experience like a cowboy with a notch on his belt, take that child by the hand, and let his innocent pain be heard. Let go of the storytelling or post rationalisation to listen kindly and intently to the disappointed expectations and remains of your dreams. Let that child feel the protective and respectful presence of the adult next to him.
“How do you feel?”: let your inner child respond.
Then, take responsibility as an adult:
“Something else happened”: go on a treasure hunt.
“You reacted the way you could at the time”: there is no expectation for children to behave like adults.
“You are forgiven”, for your intent was pure. I know it, for I have been that child, and as an adult, I commit to never leaving him alone.
When your inner child is secure, you can grow as an adult, turning a sense a failure into a pointing arrow. For what they say is true: through the cracks comes light.
Baptiste Raymond - 04/2022.